Silencing the Past
by Broedy
Summary: Set post series. Jimmy returns to Sweetwater in search of old friends and must confront a long buried secret. KidLou
1. Chapter 1

"Silencing the Past" by Broedy

Author note: This story was first published on The Kid & Lou Shrine in 1998. There had been much speculation about Kid's real name, both first and last, so for the sake of continuity in this story and the others in this series, I decided to allocate him the surname of Morgan.

_Dodge City, October 1867 _

The first couple of years after the war ended were strange ones for James Butler Hickok. The cause he had believed in so strongly had triumphed, the Abolitionists he supported had declared victory. Though he had never formally aligned himself with the movement, preferring to work alone in the background, his reputation grew unabated nevertheless. The stories of the fearless gunfighter Wild Bill preceded him where ever he went, so in the end bloodshed was rarely necessary. The legend had already taken on a life of its own.

Despite his notoriety, Jimmy was unsure where his future lay. Up until now he had been content roaming from city to town, living in saloons and playing poker—generally keeping to himself as much as possible. He had never been one for making plans and settling down, although there had been offers of sheriff positions in several Kansas townships where his name was well known and feared. The attention was unavoidable and not entirely undesired, but there were times when he wished he could simply disappear. He was growing tired of having to watch his back all the time in case some young fool liquored up on cheap whiskey decided to make a name for himself by taking out Wild Bill Hickok. Jimmy had an uncanny feeling that this was inevitable, that there was no way to cheat his destiny. But he sure as hell wasn't going to sit around and wait for it to happen.

Sitting in his dank hotel room above a seedy saloon in Dodge City, Jimmy decided what he would do, in the immediate future anyway. As the noise of the revelers below pervaded the quiet of the musty room, he pulled out a worn, crumpled letter from his breast pocket. It was dated over four years ago and the writing was getting hard to read now, but it was no matter—he knew the words by heart. Jimmy gently fingered the faded signature at the bottom of the sheet. Lou. This was the last contact he had had with her after the Pony Express disbanded and he left Rock Creek. Jimmy had never stayed in one place too long so if there were any other letters he had not received them.

It was enough that he had this one though, and the old photograph that Lou had enclosed within. It was a blurred image of the riders standing outside the Rock Creek bunkhouse. They were all there, Ike and Noah included, and Jimmy knew why Lou had chosen this one to send him. It was taken the last day they were all together, only days before Ike had been taken from them.

Hickok thought about those days now, just as he had caught himself doing all too often lately. After the war began and the Pony Express was disbanded with the completion of the telegraph, the remaining riders had gone their separate ways. Teaspoon kept his word and returned to Texas, though why he felt the need to do so he could not explain. It was his home, that was all. For this same reason Buck returned to the Kiowa, where he felt he might be of some use to his people. This was not his fight after all, especially when it had already claimed his friend Noah.

To avenge Noah's death, Cody vowed to serve with Captain Erbach and his men until they tracked down the murdering Rebels. He had become the captain's trusted scout and left only days after the funeral. Rachel, as far as Jimmy knew, had decided to stay and teach in Rock Creek, leaving only the newly wedded Kid and Lou.

Although he was a Southerner and had once talked of going back to Virginia when the fighting broke out, the Kid turned his back on the Rebels, and in turn on the North. Instead the couple returned to the one place where they knew in their hearts was their real home. The West. Lou had written the letter to Jimmy two months after he left Rock Creek with Rosemary, saying that they had settled in Sweetwater once again. In fact they were now living at the old Express station—the only real home the two of them had known, and the place where they had found each other.

So he was decided to go home too. Jimmy just hoped that his friends were still there after all these years, as he carefully refolded the letter and secured it in his pocket once more. He felt a sudden urgency to be on his way, to escape the run down room that had become his cell, and to be once more on the open prairies. Hastily he packed his few possessions in his saddle bags and made his way down to the smoky bar. Bidding farewell to the inept poker players he had consistently cleaned out during his stay, he paused in the doorway of the saloon as a dark haired woman, drinks tray in hand, approached him slowly.

Though he had shared her bed for the last month and was now leaving without any notice, her expression did not falter as he ducked outside. Instead she followed him silently and watched from the veranda as he readied his horse. She watched still as he mounted quickly, throwing her a nod goodbye, and then continued to watch with the same apathy as her lover rode out of town. He did not look back even once, and she was comforted when she realized his departure meant nothing to her. He turned out to be just like every other man she had known, even if his name was Wild Bill Hickok.


	2. Chapter 2

Jimmy traveled quickly by himself, stopping only to rest his horse and for an occasional game of cards when he felt the infrequent need for some company. He was free out here in the familiar, peaceful grasslands. As he crossed the prairies he had so often ridden over on his Express runs, his thoughts returned again and again to those days long past. The danger, the excitement, the experiences they had shared, but mostly he thought about the family he had called his own. As he neared Sweetwater he grew increasingly impatient, longing to be home. Wondering if home was even still there, or whether he was just being a fool coming all this way.

By the next day Jimmy found himself in the once tiny township of Sweetwater. However it was tiny no more. Setting his horse at a slow walk, he tried to take in all the changes that surrounded him—the sheer size and apparent prosperity of the town whose previous claim to fame was the Pony Express station at its outskirts. Now Sweetwater was buzzing with activity as the black imposing steam engine chugged to a stop at the newly constructed Union Pacific Railway station, offloading dozens of passengers and cargo from the East. Saloons flanked the dusty main street on both sides trying to out compete each other with scantily dressed, bored-looking young women lounging over balconies to entice the nervous cowboy onlookers inside.

As Jimmy passed one such establishment two of these boys erupted from the swing doors throwing wild, drunken punches at one another, perhaps over the nonexistent affections of a disinterested saloon girl. The town folk looked on, some disgusted at the spectacle, others vaguely amused and willing to make a wager on the outcome of the fight. Their entertainment was broken up by a couple of deputies who emerged nonchalantly from the same saloon, apparently willing to let the two boys tire themselves out first before they made any attempt to come between them.

Jimmy continued on his way, passing shop fronts displaying their wares on the muddy floorboards, blacksmiths, livery stables and finally the whitewashed schoolhouse at the edge of town. Though there was much to see and do in Sweetwater these days, his anticipation grew as he followed the road out of town to the Station. Away from the bustle of the town, smelling the familiar smell of the creek nearby, Jimmy began to imagine he was simply returning from an Express run, and he would soon spy Cody or Buck or one of the others up ahead ready to receive the weathered mochila full of mail. Soon he would hear Rachel's cry of "Rider comin'!" and his journey would be at an end. Jimmy smiled to himself at the recollection, though the knowledge that he would never again experience that feeling at the end of a run when he returned home to his family now saddened him. He could never recapture those days, no matter how fast he rode.

It was early afternoon when he arrived at the former Sweetwater Pony Express Station. The buildings rose up from the flat prairie before him like an invitation home, bathed in the golden sunlight. He was struck by the changes before him as he approached the main house—which was now larger than it had once been, freshly painted and surrounded by a low set fence. Jimmy recognized the familiar bunkhouse nearby but it too had been repaired, and another barn had been built adjacent to the old pony stalls. Gentle movement caught his eye as behind the barn nearly fifty horses grazed peacefully in the expansive corral, spreading further than he could make out.

Jimmy was amazed at the prosperity before him, and for a terrible moment he considered that Kid and Lou had moved on elsewhere. There was no one about as he jumped to the ground, stiff from his long ride. Leaving his horse at the corral post he wandered towards the house, peering around curiously for any sign of life. Smoke furled lazily from the chimney, but the ranch was quiet apart from the occasional distant whinnying of a horse. He was about to call out when a small boy, about five or six years old in his estimation, ran out from beside the house with a battered kite in his hand. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the stranger standing there in his yard, before approaching him curiously.

"Hey there," said Jimmy, pulling his hat from his head. His eyes widened as he realized the child was unmistakably the Kid and Lou's—he could see it in the boy's upturned face that studied him fearlessly. "What's your name, son?"

"Jamie," was the loud and eager reply. "D'you like kites?"

"Jamie?" Hickok repeated, his expression puzzled. Slowly he knelt before the boy.

"Yessir, James Hunter Morgan. I live here."

Jimmy was speechless. Had they really named their son after him? It took a few seconds for him to recover his voice.

"Is your mother at home, Jamie, or your father?"

"Pa's deliverin' some horses with Cholo, but Ma's inside with my brother. Are you here to buy a horse, Mister?"

Before Jimmy could answer he heard the screen door bang closed and he lifted his eyes quickly to the house. His breath caught in his throat as Lou stepped onto the porch holding the hand of an even younger boy with her same dark hair. She was looking down at him as she helped the boy down the steps of the house and had not noticed Jimmy yet, thus giving him a moment to study her. He stared dumbly at the woman who had once passed herself off as a man in order to ride for the Pony Express, a feat which seemed almost impossible with her present appearance.

Lou was even more beautiful than Jimmy remembered or ever thought possible. Her face was fuller and her cheeks rosy with health and happiness. Her short, boyish hair now fell in a plait down her back. She smiled down at her small son as he maneuvered the final step, then looked up in search of Jamie. For a moment she hesitated at the sight of a strange man with her eldest boy. Her brow was furrowed as she stepped towards them, but then she stopped again when something about his mustached face struck her. For a split second she was unable to move from shock and disbelief, then a huge grin lit up her face as she ran towards him.

"JIMMY!"

Lou flew into his arms and hugged him tightly, her sons staring in amazement at their mother with the stranger. She finally let him go and held his face in her hands, needing to study his features just to make sure it was him.

"My God, Jimmy, it's really you!" she gasped.

"Hey, Lou," he replied, unsure what else to say. For the moment he was content just to drink in her beauty and revel in the joy he felt on seeing her again. He could not express such things in words.

"What are you doin' here?" She was breathless with excitement. "We haven't heard from you in so long."

"I know, I thought it was about time I paid you a visit. I got your letter." Jimmy pulled it from his pocket to prove the point and she grinned, hugging him once more.

"Oh Jimmy, Kid will be so glad you've come at last! We've haven't heard any news for so long that we…"

"I know, I'm sorry." His face seemed to fall slightly. "I've never been one for letter writin'. But I, uh, I did miss you, Lou."

"Well, you're here now, that's all that matters." Lou held onto his hand firmly in case he should somehow disappear. The dazzling smile had not yet faded on her lips. "You've met Jamie, I see. And this is Adam. Boys, this is your Uncle Jimmy. He's finally come to meet you."

"How d'you do, Adam," said Jimmy, bending closer to speak to him. The younger boy smiled shyly and hid behind his mother's skirts. Jamie simply stared in awe at his 'uncle' and namesake, thrilled that he was actually meeting him after all of the stories he had heard about his parents' friend. "You've certainly got your hands full here, Lou."

"They'll be even fuller soon," she replied with a sly grin, and for the first time Jimmy noticed her small, rounded belly.

"Well, you've been busy, I see… Not to mention all of this," Jimmy motioned to the ranch around him. "Things have certainly changed around here."

"And we'll tell you all about it, but first come inside. You must be tired." Lou took his arm and led him towards the house. "Kid should be back soon, and he'll get the surprise of his life when he sees you here… But first I have a surprise for you."

Jimmy raised his eyebrows, but Lou only smiled conspiratorially in response. He understood when she ushered him into the back parlor in the house and he found Teaspoon Hunter snoring in a chair, the same ratty black hat perched ceremoniously on his head.


	3. Chapter 3

Sitting in the cheery kitchen of the ranch house, Louise watched with motherly approval as Jimmy finished the sandwich she had fixed him. Teaspoon sat contentedly beside the younger man, every now and again slapping him on the back as they hastily caught up on the last six years. Lou was able to regard him properly now as Teaspoon dominated the conversation. Jimmy seemed the same in outward appearances apart from the mustache, but Louise could see his demeanor was altered somehow—his expression was graver, more thoughtful, and his eyes were soured from all that he had experienced during the war. He avoided the topic, however, by asking after everyone else.

"You haven't heard from Cody? We thought maybe, well, with Cody fightin' for the North…" Lou trailed off, noticing the dismissive look in Jimmy's eye.

"Not for about three years, I haven't. I didn't have much to do with the army, not officially anyway."

"He got married, you know," said Lou, grinning.

"Cody!" Jimmy spluttered his coffee as Teaspoon and Lou laughed. "Well now I've heard everythin'."

"We haven't met her yet, but Cody mentioned they might come visit this Christmas."

"Is Rachel still in Rock Creek? I almost stopped by there on my way here, but I wasn't sure."

"Naw, she run off years ago with an army captain," Teaspoon informed him perfunctorily around a mouthful of bread.

"John Hamilton is his name, and they are livin' happily down near Denver," countered Lou as she refilled their coffee cups. "He's a very nice man, even if you don't approve, Teaspoon."

"Who said I don't approve?" he replied in mock surprise. "Just a shame if you ask me, a good woman like that stuck down at one of those godforsaken army forts. There'll be trouble once the government stops ignorin' the Indian issue."

"Have you heard from Buck?" asked Jimmy, noticing the dark look that passed between Teaspoon and Lou.

"He stops by a couple of times a year, but it's hard for him," she explained. "They're fightin' a losing battle."

"Speakin' of a battle," Teaspoon said as the sound of the boys playing in the next room increased steadily in volume as an argument between brothers commenced, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had fallen in the kitchen. "I'd better check on the troops."

Lou smiled gratefully and sank into a seat at the table, smiling when Teaspoon's gruff voice was heard from behind the door, growling in mock severity at the noise. Jimmy joined in her smile and shook his head, remembering the eccentricities of the old station master. He could not help but notice the stiff limp with which Teaspoon now walked, or the stark white hair that replaced the dirty gray it had once been. In just six years Teaspoon had gotten old, something Jimmy never equated with him.

"I know what you're thinkin'," Lou said quietly as she sipped her coffee. "It was a shock for us too when he came a coupla years ago."

"What happened in Texas?"

"More fightin'. The war only unsettled the peace the Rangers tried to bring to the place. I told him he was too old to go off fightin' again, but he wouldn't listen. He got his leg shot up pretty badly and had barely recovered when he arrived here suddenly."

"At least he had you to take him in, Lou."

She smiled at the recollection. "I'm just glad to have him here where we can look after him. He's the only grandfather our children will ever know, so I don't know what we'd do if he wasn't livin' here with us. He and Adam are practically inseparable. Besides, we all owe him so much, we can't even begin to repay it..."

Jimmy nodded solemnly at her words, knowing he too owed Teaspoon a great debt. The grouchy old man had saved Jimmy from countless mistakes in the past, though it was only now he was beginning to recognize them all. His musing was soon interrupted, when Jamie suddenly tore through the kitchen like the devil was at his heels, a broad grin on his face.

"Rider comin'!" he yelled, racing out the back door. Jimmy laughed at the use of the traditional Pony Express cry.

"He certainly is your son, Lou."

She laughed too and jumped up, pulling him outside, followed by Teaspoon who had Adam hanging onto his back.

"These boys sure do get excited when their Daddy gets home," Teaspoon puffed, as the young boy urged him to go faster. They made their way quickly into the yard to watch the approaching riders.

Jimmy stood silently behind Lou as Kid trotted into the main yard, followed by an old Mexican man and a young ranch hand about eighteen years old. He was unsure how Kid would react to seeing him here after all these years, remembering that their parting had not been on good terms. The Kid had blamed Rosemary for Noah's death and refused to hide the fact that he thought Jimmy was making a mistake by going with her back to Kansas and her abolitionist contacts.

Though they had grown to be best friends during the time the Pony Express had been operational, a cool, unemotional handshake was their farewell to each other. Jimmy only hoped his reception this time would be different. At least Lou did not seem concerned—she was grinning broadly at the surprise that awaited her husband. She waited patiently as he dismounted and immediately scooped up his two sons into his arms.

"How are my boys, huh?" the Kid growled lovingly, capturing them in a bear hug. "Were you good today? What did you get up to?"

Jamie and Adam's words tumbled out in an excited rush, causing Kid to smile. He glanced up to greet his wife, only to notice the tall, dark man with her.

"Well I'll be damned," he whispered, gently putting the boys down. "James Butler Hickok."

"Kid."

They held each other's stare, neither saying a word. Lou's breath caught in her throat as suddenly she feared Kid would refuse to take his hand, but then she expelled it with a nervous sigh of relief when her husband strode over and hugged his old friend firmly, slapping him on the back.

"I can't believe it. I can't believe you're here! It's good to see you, Jimmy…" The Kid was lost for words, instead he grinned incessantly as Louise came over and kissed his cheek.

Teaspoon watched the reunion with a proud expression on his weathered face, grasping the reins of Kid's horse. The other two men had also dismounted by now, intrigued by the show before them. Kid and the stranger said little to each other, but it was obvious they had once shared a special bond. Lou remembered her manners, and made the necessary introductions.

"Jimmy, this is our foreman Cholo, and Tom Jenkins, our ranch hand. This is a dear friend, Jimmy Hickok," she said.

Tom's eyes widened in surprise as he recognized the name. He had heard Kid and Lou mention someone called Jimmy from their time in the Pony Express but he had never dreamed this was who they had been referring to. The young man stuttered an incoherent greeting, shaking Jimmy's hand with wonder.

"Wild Bill Hickok!" he managed eventually, still pumping his hand. Jimmy nodded evenly and politely extricated his right hand from Tom's grasp.

Kid and Lou both waited for his familiar reaction to the pseudonym, one that Jimmy had always refused to acknowledge and merely associated with a dime-novel character. But instead he seemed indifferent, unaffected by the name, which prompted a swift glance to be passed between husband and wife. Since when did Jimmy allow himself to be called Wild Bill? Lou frowned and pulled an awe-struck Tom back by his sleeve, allowing Cholo an opportunity to meet their friend.

She was surprised to see the old Mexican's face harden when he too realized just who this man was. He stared gravely at the pair of ivory handled Colts that Jimmy wore strapped to his hips, and without a word he turned on his heel and busied himself with the horses, drawing them away to be watered and rubbed down.

If Jimmy was concerned by the snub he didn't show it, and Kid hastily tried to cover it by suggesting they all go inside. He picked Adam up and initiated the exodus, though Lou paused and watched after Cholo. She was worried that he might be upset by having Jimmy here, something she hadn't thought of until now. Cholo had lost his whole family to a gunfighter as they traveled north from Mexico many years ago. She knew the attack had been unprovoked and vicious, though Cholo refused to tell her the details. Teaspoon and he had become great friends and he perhaps knew more, but the old marshal knew that Cholo would come round eventually when he saw that Jimmy just wasn't like that. Teaspoon put an arm around Lou and walked with her inside, silently assuring her everything would be fine. Cholo made his way to the barn alone.


	4. Chapter 4

After Kid had washed up, the party, including an excited Tom Jenkins, settled into the living room of the ranch house. Jamie was a bundle of energy ducking in and out of the room, but Adam remained placidly by Teaspoon's side as the four of them caught up some more.

The Kid still seemed amazed that after all this time Jimmy had finally come to visit them. He had missed his friend greatly, only his wife knew just how much. When their first son was born it seemed only right that he had been named after Jimmy, the man who in the beginning had helped them both with their relationship. It was true that in the year or so that had followed there had been disagreements and falling outs, but Kid was relieved to see that perhaps after all this time they could forget about these things and leave the past where it belonged.

"Things certainly seemed to have worked out for the two of you out here," commented Jimmy as he looked through the window at the corral. "I hardly recognized the place."

"Well, the business is going well, better than we expected anyway." Kid smiled proudly. "We're the main supplier of horses to the town and surroundin' farms, and things have grown even more since the railroad came through."

"We've been very lucky," agreed Lou, referring more to her sons than the ranch. Laying an affectionate hand on their future arrival she glanced lovingly at the Kid. The look of intimacy that passed between them excluded everyone else in the room, but only Jimmy seemed to be acutely aware of that fact. He glanced away hastily, for the first time noticing how close they were.

All those years ago he had watched the two of them fall in love and get married, but this was entirely different. This was something he would never be a part of, he knew deep down. Concealing the revelation within him behind a stony façade, Jimmy wandered over to the fireplace where he found the framed picture Ike had drawn of the other six riders.

"When are you gonna tell us what you been up to, son?" Teaspoon spoke up from the corner, as Adam clambered into his lap. "We ain't heard from you in so long, 'cept in stories."

"Well, there ain't much to tell really," sighed Jimmy, but the Kid would not let him get off so easily. After endless questions it was finally revealed that he had been involved in mostly covert operations against the South, as well as some slave smuggling before the emancipation. Jimmy knew they were just curious, but his answers became more abrupt with every utterance.

"What about Rosemary? Didn't you bring her with you?" Kid finally bit the bullet and brought up the one subject that had threatened to destroy their friendship. Time healed old wounds, and Kid was willing to forgive her for Noah's death, even if he couldn't forget.

"I haven't seen her in a coupla years," Jimmy replied in a dismissive tone. "I do believe she's real good friends with a married politician in Washington now."

No one said anything, Teaspoon raising his shaggy eyebrows in response.

"So, what do you have planned now, Jimmy?" asked Lou a little too brightly, trying to change the subject.

"I don't know," he replied curtly, suggesting his mind was still on Rosemary. "I thought I'd knock around Sweetwater a while, see what's happenin' round the place… Which is the best saloon in town? I could do with a hand or two of poker and some good whiskey."

"Ah, I don't really know, Jimmy," Kid said awkwardly. "We really don't have time for that sort of thing ourselves."

Jimmy laughed almost bitterly, his eyes dark and dangerous. "Don't tell me you're still a teetotaler, Kid? You're ain't workin' for Russell, Majors and Waddell no more."

"No, but I have more important things to do with my time here," came the surprised reply.

Teaspoon glanced down at Adam, refraining from getting in the middle of whatever was going on between the Kid and Jimmy. He learned long ago that the pair had their differences, and they were best left to sort it out themselves. Lou shifted uncomfortably in her seat and watched the anger building within her husband. She knew he was puzzled at the change in Jimmy's behavior more than anything—suddenly he was sullen and withdrawn, and she guessed that it had to do with more than just Rosemary Burke.

"You know, Jimmy," Kid tried again, "there's plenty of work to be done around the ranch… I mean, if you wanted to stay we could always do with an extra pair of hands."

"Thanks, Kid. But I stopped doing menial work a long time ago," Jimmy said derisively, snatched up his hat from a side table and cleared his throat. "I think I'll head on into town a while and see if I can't rustle up a game of cards."

Tom had been sitting in the shadows hanging off Hickok's every word, but now he jumped hastily to his feet.

"Um, d'you mind if I come too? I could do with a drink myself." The young man's face was bursting with eagerness, despite the incredulous gasp that escaped Lou's lips. She knew, just as Kid and Teaspoon did, that Tom didn't drink.

"Well sure, Jenkins, it's a free country," shrugged Jimmy.

Tom grinned excitedly and ran out to get his horse back from Cholo. Jimmy glanced quickly at the others, wanting nothing more than to escape their questioning stares and hurt expressions. This wasn't what he came all this way for. The real reason was one that he couldn't admit, even to himself. Without an explanation he stalked towards the door, Kid and Lou to following him, dismayed by his abrupt exit.

"But don't you want to stay for supper?" Lou cried after him. "Jimmy, you just got here!"

"Don't worry, Lou, we'll eat in town," Jimmy called over his shoulder, not bothering to turn around

She said nothing as she and Kid stood on the porch and watched him ride off, not even waiting for Tom who had to gallop after him straight out of the stables. They watched until the riders were nothing more than billows of dust in the distance, blood red from the setting sun as it dipped behind the hills.

"What's happened to him?" Lou shook her head sadly. "'Wild Bill Hickok'?"

"I don't know," Kid said grimly as he placed an arm around her. "Maybe the reputation has finally caught up with the man… I never thought it would happen to Jimmy though."

He kissed her forehead absently and wandered back into the house in search of Jamie and Adam. Lou looked after him with concern, knowing how upset he felt after what Jimmy had said, particularly the crack about menial work. Only she knew just how hard the Kid had slaved for over five years to make something of the run down station—something for their children. Jimmy had degraded everything Kid had worked for right to his face. Her husband was a proud man and would never admit that he was hurt by the comment, but Lou knew all too well. Perhaps it had been unintentional, she thought to herself… but even she couldn't pretend that was true. She cradled her small belly for comfort and waited until the burning sun had disappeared completely before going back inside.


	5. Chapter 5

In their darkened bedroom on the upper floor of the house that night, Lou tossed restlessly as she tried to get back to sleep. The troubled thoughts rushing through her mind refused to be silent and she knew she would be up all night. She was still trying to make sense of it all—Jimmy's sudden arrival and the disturbing change in him that became apparent soon after. She had been waiting for the day when they would finally see him again, but she had never envisioned it like this. Not after all they had been through together when they rode for the Pony Express. Back then they had been a family, but now… now she just couldn't make sense of it. Rolling over to snuggle into Kid's arms, the one thing that usually settled her immediately, Lou unexpectedly found only a cold, empty space. Propping herself up on one elbow, she looked across the room to the rocking chair by the bay window and saw him there, silent and still, bathed in gray moonlight.

"Kid?" she called quietly, pushing her hair behind her slender shoulders. If he heard her, he did not respond. Lou slipped out of bed and approached him, her luminous white nightgown billowing softly as she walked. Careful not to startle him in case he had dozed off in the chair, she placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and tried again.

"Kid?"

Glazed eyes that had been staring at the window pane were alert once more at her touch, and he reached up to place his large, brown hand on hers.

"Hey," he replied softly, a faint smile on his lips. It faded almost as soon as it appeared however, causing Lou to frown slightly at Kid's apparent melancholy. She saw he was just as confused as she was.

"Couldn't sleep?" Lou placed herself carefully in his lap, her head resting on his shoulder. His arms tightened instinctively around her, eager for the warmth, and they sat there a moment in silence. Lou could feel the rhythmic beat of his heart under her hand, and was comforted by it. Despite her unease over Jimmy, she felt better simply being near him, just knowing that he was there for her. Just as he was here to comfort her when she needed it, Lou knew when something was troubling her husband, even if she was unsure how to fix it.

"You're thinkin' about Jimmy too?" She waited for a reply, her free hand finding his own.

"I don't know, Lou... I feel like we don't even know him any more." Kid's voice was a harsh whisper, and he paused as he cleared his throat. "I kinda hoped that things could be the same as they used to be, but I guess that's never gonna happen."

"Too much has happened, Kid, and I think he hasn't told us the half of it." She raised her head to look into his dark blue eyes, his face dappled in shadows. "You're not takin' to heart what he said about workin' here, are you? He didn't mean it like that..."

"I guess."

"Maybe he just needs some time, you know?"

"Maybe."

"Kid, listen to me," she said seriously, holding his stare. "No matter what happens with Jimmy, we still have each other. We have Jamie and Adam and nothin's gonna change that."

"I know." He smiled at her, the rest was unspoken. He knew that the most important thing in his life was his wife and children and he never let anything get in the way of that.

Kid ran his hand down her cheek, the gold wedding band he wore flashing in the eerie, pale light. Once again he was reminded how lucky he was to have met someone like Lou. Despite their differences, despite all the obstacles that had stood in their way, in the end they had made it. He didn't know what he had done to deserve her, or their children, and he would never be able to take for granted this life they had together. He would never miss the thrill that ran up his spine when she kissed him, or the feeling that warmed his heart whenever she smiled at him—that special, intimate smile she saved only for him. Yes, he was lucky alright.

Lou now bent her face towards his, but before their lips met there was a commotion outside. She threw her husband a startled glance before they both rose quickly from the rocking chair, Kid grabbing an unlit lamp from the bedside while Lou wrapped a shawl around her shoulders.

The ruckus outside continued with the sound of broken glass and drunken singing that reverberated around the silent property. As they stepped from the porch of the ranch house Lou glanced back over her shoulder in the direction of the boys' window, hoping that they had not been wakened by the noise. She knew Teaspoon could sleep through just about anything these days, but as Kid held the lamp aloft they could make out Cholo standing in front of the bunkhouse, a light also in his hands.

In between the buildings was the slightly stumbling figure of Jimmy half-carrying a very drunk Tom Jenkins away from his horse. When they saw the Mexican's grave face watching them without a word, the two of them suppressed the urge to laugh, but tried to compose themselves as Kid and Lou approached from the other side of the yard.

"We're for it now," snorted Jimmy. "Here comes the boss."

Tom stared unseeing towards them before his expression hastily changed to one of a desperate man. Without warning he lurched away from Jimmy's supporting arm and only just made it to the side of the bunkhouse where he was violently sick. Jimmy could barely contain his mirth, especially when Lou fixed him with an accusing eye.

"I hope you're happy now, Jimmy," she said with disgust in her voice, before retrieving Tom and turning him over to Cholo. The old man ushered Jenkins inside the bunkhouse, unquestioning, leaving Lou to return to berating Jimmy for allowing this to happen. "What were you thinkin'? He's only a boy, Jimmy."

"Aw, come on, Lou. _Louise_. We was just havin' some fun. You probably don't even remember what that's like, bein' married to this one so long." Jimmy nodded towards Kid who was trying to control his temper.

"That's enough, Jimmy," he said quietly—dangerously so. "Maybe you'd better go sleep it off."

"Yes, boss! Anythin' you say, Kid."

Jimmy made a point of straightening his shirt front before he bent over deliberately slowly to pick up his hat from amongst the shattered glass of a whisky bottle. He walked into the bunkhouse with his head held high, stumbling only slightly on the bottom step. After the door had shut behind him, Kid lowered the lamp, and with it his unyielding expression.

"Maybe he just needs some time, huh?" he asked his wife, unable to hide the bitter tone in his voice.

"Maybe," replied Lou half-heartedly, but she didn't believe it any more. She tightened the shawl around her and followed Kid back into the house, knowing that dawn was only a few hours away, when they would have to decide what they would do with Jimmy.


	6. Chapter 6

Tom Jenkins sat wanly at the breakfast table, his seedy mood heightened by the smell of sizzling bacon that Lou was cooking with deliberate gusto. As pans clanked loudly against the grate and plates were scraped noisily with a knife, the pained expression on his hung-over face increased. Eventually he was forced to make a dash for the back door when she ceremoniously placed before him a huge plate full of fried eggs, rashers of glistening bacon, and hot-buttered biscuits.

Lou smiled with grim satisfaction as she heard him empty his already empty stomach into the back garden and handed the food over to a far more grateful Teaspoon. The old marshal had slept through the night's entertainment, but he had not been surprised by Lou's report early that morning. The way Jimmy had been acting Teaspoon had seen it coming. He was afraid the young man had a tough time ahead if that was how he resolved his problems, and problems he had in abundance, that much was obvious.

Jimmy surfaced not long after but appeared to be none the worse for wear. At least Lou knew Tom would think twice before he ever tried that sort of thing again, but for Jimmy it had become a way of life. He guzzled down several cups of steaming black coffee before he turned his attention to the biscuits, saying little but seemingly unaware of the troubled stares of the other occupants of the kitchen.

"Good breakfast, Lou," he commented, as he pushed his empty plate away. "Guess you finally learnt how to cook."

Though he had not really meant it unkindly, Jimmy knew that was how it sounded. Nothing was going right ever since the day before in the parlor… and it was as frustrating as hell. For her part, Lou ignored the remark and was just glad that Kid had had some early business in town and was not there to take offence. Cholo made up for him though, and with barely disguised disgust he pushed his chair away from the table and stomped out into the yard. It was all he could do not to confront the cocky young man who, in just one afternoon, had destroyed the peace he was used to at the Sweetwater ranch.

Lou sighed and wanted to explain to her faithful foreman that Jimmy wasn't really like this, that he was just upset over something and they would have to sort it out. Then he would see what a good man Jimmy really was. Lou wanted Cholo to know this, to know that he didn't need to protect her. The old Mexican doted on her as if she were his own daughter, the one he had lost so young. She hated him worrying for her when she was sure that all Jimmy needed to do was talk to someone. Luckily Teaspoon had the same thing in mind. When Lou asked as casually as she could what Jimmy wanted to do that day, he did not even have a chance to respond.

"Thought we'd go fishin' down at the creek," Teaspoon stated resoundingly.

Hickok opened his mouth in surprise but before he could utter a sound he caught the look in the older man's eyes and there was no mistaking that the suggestion was really an order. Wisely he offered no protest.

"Fishin'? Can we come too?" Jamie asked eagerly and his brother joined in. They loved nothing more than spending the morning at the waterhole with Teaspoon, listening to his colorful tales of the 'old days' when he was a boy in Texas.

"Not today, son," he said with gruff kindness. "Me an' your Uncle Jimmy'll go today and then we can go together tomorrow."

"Pwomise?" Adam looked at him warily.

"I promise. Now scoot, the pair o' you…" Teaspoon waited as the boys bustled out of the room to play. "Jimmy?"

Teaspoon headed for the door and waited for him to get to his feet. Jimmy glanced hastily at Lou as if she was his last chance at salvation before he would have to face being alone with the sternly disapproving Teaspoon. It was going to be a long morning.

* * *

The two men sat by the creek bed but surprisingly Teaspoon had not said a word, except to comment on the way the fish were biting. Jimmy was not sure if this wasn't worse than an interrogation—at least then he would know where he stood with his old friend and mentor. But after more than an hour, Teaspoon stubbornly refused to broach the one subject that was the reason he had dragged Jimmy out here.

"Alright, you ain't gonna say it?" Jimmy finally cracked, tossing his fishing pole on the ground. "You ain't gonna start yellin' about how I been actin' since I came? How I shouldn't have treated Kid and Lou like that after not seein' then so long, how I ain't got no right showin' up like I did causin' trouble… "

"What's the point, son? You already know," replied Teaspoon, lazily tugging at his line. "I just figured you'd wanna talk about why you did."

"Well, you thought wrong," Jimmy snorted angrily and stared unseeing at the rippling water before him. Teaspoon said nothing and just waited.

"Thing is, I don't know why," Hickok piped up after a couple of minutes. "I ain't been thinkin' straight."

"Why's that then?"

"Don't ask me. Last week everythin' was just fine and now I don't know if I'm comin' or goin'. I don't know what's wrong with me, Teaspoon."

The old man seemed to ponder this a while, scratching his unshaven chin thoughtfully. "Maybe you do at that, you just don't wanna admit it."

"What d'you mean?"

"Why'd you come back to Sweetwater after all this time? Why ain't you a lawman in some town, doin' somethin' worthwhile? Why're wastin' your life drinkin' and playin' cards? What are you doin' back here, son?"

"Well, Lou sent me a letter, I wanted to see her… and Kid." The pause was hastily covered up, but not lost on Teaspoon. He raised an eyebrow at him.

"And now that you're here?"

"Now I don't know. I just don't know."

"Well, son, I think you'd better work it out. You gotta face up to the real reason you came back, no matter how hard it is, no matter what happens."

Jimmy's brow darkened at the words. That was what he was afraid of.


	7. Chapter 7

Jimmy found Lou hanging clothes in the hot morning sun, watching Kid and the boys in the yard as they worked with Cholo and Tom in the corral. Teaspoon had made some excuse of having to stop in town, so he returned alone to seek her out. Jimmy rode up to the back of the house and dismounted, so his arrival was not announced to the others. Quietly he approached her as she bent to pick up another sheet, and when he dumped the basket of fish behind her she jumped in fright.

"Jimmy, you scared me!" she gasped, her hand on her chest.

"Sorry."

"Where's Teaspoon?"

"He'll be back soon."

"Did the two of you… have a good talk?" she asked carefully, pegging up the white linen.

Jimmy smiled bitterly. "You could say that. We talked a few things out, but he's not the one I needed to talk to."

Lou stopped her work and looked at his shadowed face. She caught a glimpse of the old Jimmy she missed so much in his expression and his quiet voice, and gladly motioned for him to sit with her on the porch. Lou sat down with a measure of relief in the cool shade and nodded at him encouragingly.

"I'm sorry about last night, Lou, I don't know what was wrong with me," he began slowly, as yet unable to meet her eyes. "I didn't mean for it to happen."

"It's okay."

"I've been kinda at a loose end, you know, since the war ended. I thought if I came back here I'd find some answers… answers to old questions, that is. I guess, what I mean is, I knew that things would be different now, but didn't expect to find you like this… I mean, I ain't never seen you so happy."

"You wanted to find me miserable?" She frowned, confused.

"'Course not. That's not what I meant." Jimmy sighed, this was all wrong. He shouldn't be saying any of this. But he knew that if he didn't now he never would.

"Jimmy, why'd you really come here after all this time?" she asked evenly.

"I don't know, Lou, that's somethin' I've been askin' myself ever since I got here. I guess I hoped that somehow things'd wouldn't be that different, that maybe we could—"

Jimmy looked deep into her eyes, unable to finish. The depth of emotion within startled her into recognition and Lou's mouth opened in surprise. She could read all too clearly in his face just what the reason had been.

"Jimmy—"

"Lou, don't. I know it's stupid, but I just had to make sure. Ever since I got your letter I've been wonderin'… well, hopin' more like it."

"I never meant for you to—"

"I know you didn't. It ain't you, it was me. You made your decision a long time ago, I understand that."

Jimmy remembered all too clearly the fateful day when he and Lou had delivered Elias Mills to be hanged at Fort Kearney. After the Kid had been shot and sent back to Rock Creek, Jimmy had finally admitted his feelings for Lou, first to himself and then to her by kissing her by the firelight that night. Though he knew it was a mistake, and that she had unresolved feelings for his best friend, Jimmy had taken his shot anyway.

And although he had really not counted on the fact that she would choose him over the Kid, it had still hurt when, at the moment of Mills' death soon after, she had turned instinctively to the returned Kid for comfort and support. In that one simple action she had shown Jimmy who was first in her heart, and he had left it at that, on outward appearances anyway. Kid had turned away from the gallows followed by Lou, somewhat shocked by the revelation that had just struck her. Without even knowing it, she had made her choice, and there was no going back. She loved Kid and always had, and even though their relationship had its problems she would not sacrifice it. Her thoughts had finally returned to Jimmy then and she'd lain a hand on his arm in a wordless, almost guilty entreaty. Jimmy had recognized the belated gesture, and knew that that was the end of it, in Lou's mind anyway. But even the apparent finality of her decision could not quiet within him the knowledge that he loved her too.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" she now asked softly.

"Would it have made a difference?"

Lou lowered her eyes briefly, her cheeks blushing slightly. "No."

"Didn't think so," Jimmy admitted.

"That doesn't mean I don't care, Jimmy, I do. But I love the Kid. I never had any regrets about marryin' him."

"Did you ever tell him… about what happened?"

"Didn't seem much point—and you know how he can get," Lou replied. "He suspected that there was somethin' between us, it would've only hurt him to tell. Besides, what difference does it make now? Everythin's changed—I can't even begin to imagine my life without him."

Jimmy nodded at the truth he had so long denied, and it struck him painfully that all this time he had just been deluding himself. He felt a fool, and laughed bitterly at her words.

"It's just as well, Lou. Somehow I don't think I was cut out to be a husband. I wouldn't have turned my back on my country when the war came just because I got married."

Lou's eyes blazed for a moment in defense of her husband. She had wondered how long it was going to take Jimmy to bring this up. Once he and the Kid had argued bitterly over the war, and Jimmy knew very well that Kid had proclaimed he would go back to Virginia when the fighting broke out.

"You think he was a coward?" she bristled.

"I think you must have done one hell of a good job persuadin' him to give up his beliefs," Jimmy responded dully.

Lou was stung by the accusation, knowing full well that Jimmy was just trying to hurt her. Though he did not deserve to know the truth, she could not let Jimmy believe that Kid had simply run away to the West because he was afraid. He had not wanted to fight any more than the others had, but to defend his home, friends and family, he would have gone to the ends of the earth. It just turned out that he had another family to think of first; another family to put before the one he left in Virginia.

"Jimmy, if Kid had made the decision to go I would have stayed with him. I couldn't let him live his life regrettin' the fact that he had abandoned those who depended on him. But he didn't. He chose to stay away because I needed him more than the South. I needed him and so did his son… I was pregnant with Jamie before the fightin' even started."

Jimmy didn't say anything. He could tell from the look on her face that she was telling the truth. He knew Kid would never have left her knowing that she was having a baby, and Jimmy could not blame him. The only thing he could do was bring her as far away from the war as possible, the very same thing that Jimmy would have done in his place.

"Lou, I didn't know..."

"Of course you didn't, it was hardly somethin' I could tell everyone," she retorted hotly. "But you should know that it wasn't an easy thing for Kid to do. It took more courage for him to face up to his responsibilities here than in Virginia. I know, Jimmy, I know very well just how much his home meant to him, and I sometimes wonder if he still wishes he could have been a part of defendin' it. So don't you ever think even for a minute that the Kid was a coward."

She crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes gazing around the small ranch yard. "You should have seen this place when we came back, Jimmy, it was in ruins. It took all we had just to convince the bank to lend us the money to get started. But we did. We worked night and day to build up this place because we had to for our child. Believe me, it took more than I ever thought possible. But we did it."

"Guess things really did turn out for the best," said Jimmy quietly, his residual anger drained. There was left only emptiness unlike he had ever felt before. "I am glad for you, Lou, even if I got a funny way of showin' it. I only ever wanted you to be happy."

"Just like I did you."

Jimmy's eyes dropped to his feet and he smiled ruefully. "Well, I said it before and I'll say it again. The Kid is a lucky man."

"I reckon I'm pretty lucky too. Just look at our boys," said Lou proudly, as she watched Jamie and Adam in the corral with her husband, both of them perched on the back of Kid's old horse Katy as he led them around. She stole her hand around Jimmy's large, coarse one and squeezed it gently. "I'm sorry that things didn't turn out the way you wanted them to. But it still means a lot to me that you came, and it means a lot to Kid too. Why don't you go talk to him?"

Jimmy nodded silently. He looked into Lou's eyes one long, last time, remembering every detail of her face as she looked right at that moment. For years he had been stubbornly holding onto the notion that perhaps he had been the one she had truly wanted all this time. He didn't fool himself into believing it was love, but it was better than knowing he was alone. It had been one thing from his past with the Pony Express that he had held onto as James Butler Hickok ceased to be and he became Wild Bill Hickok—one sacred thing that reminded him who he really was. Now, as he stared into Lou's upturned face, he let it go. The past had been silenced, now he would move on and find which ever path would be his own. He saw plainly for the first time that it was not the same as hers.


	8. Chapter 8

In the corral, the Kid tightened his grasp on Katy's reign as the boys grinned with delight. The Paint was the only horse their father would let them ride, the only one he trusted not to buck or bolt. All too soon after they began their lesson they heard their mother's voice calling them in for lunch, and with sighs of disappointment they waited as their father lifted them down from Katy's back. Jamie and Adam ran towards the house. Kid tied his faithful horse to the corral post and ducked under the fence, and when he rose he saw Jimmy walking towards him. The Kid steeled himself for an argument or the bitter words that would no doubt pass between them. He stood waiting by the fence.

"Hey." Jimmy wandered up finally.

"Hey… How you feeling?"

"Better than I got any right to." He pressed his lips together in a grim smile, and leaned on the weathered wooden rail, staring out at the grazing horses. Kid followed suit and the two men stood side by side without speaking for several minutes. The uneasiness between them had somehow evaporated when Kid looked at him out of the corner of his eye.

"You did act like a jackass," he commented eventually, keeping his voice light.

"Yeah." This time Jimmy's smile was more pronounced. "I had some stuff to sort out. Guess it all came to a head comin' back to this old place. A lot of memories."

Kid squinted as he raised his face upwards, pushing the old hat from his head. "Don't s'pose the place would've made that much difference. Just as long as you saw her."

Jimmy's grip tightened around the fence as he averted his eyes. But the Kid was not angry, he spoke deliberately gently. He should've known Kid would guess, that he had probably known all along. He had known that Jimmy would come back principally to see Lou, he just hadn't reckoned it would take this long.

"Yeah," repeated Jimmy unnecessarily.

"Is everythin' sorted out?"

"It is now."

"Good."

"I guess you'll want me outta here first thing. I'll leave at dawn." Jimmy's arms fell to his sides and he took a step away. Kid glanced up quickly with a surprised expression written on his brown face.

"Who said anythin' about leavin'?"

"Under the circumstances, Kid, I thought that's what you'd want. I'm just kinda surprised you don't have a gun pointed at my head."

"You said everythin's sorted out, right?"

"Yeah."

"So why shouldn't you stay?" Kid did not smile, but his eyes danced. "You just got here after all."

Jimmy stared at him a moment and knew the invitation to be sincere. Although he wondered what it would be like just to turn away from his life now and settle down with a real family again, he doubted he could ever be content. For some reason, whatever that might be, it just wasn't in his make up.

"Thanks, but I gotta find my own place in the world, Kid. You an' Lou got yours…" Jimmy studied his hands with fierce determination, knowing deep down they were only good for one thing. He knew where his destiny lay—the wheels had been set in motion long ago when he strapped on his first gun. "I'm gonna take a job as marshal of Fort Hays and see if that ain't it. I don't belong here anymore… But I don't mind visitin'. S'pose it wouldn't hurt if I stayed a few days."

Jimmy had voiced his decision almost before he was through making it, but he was content with his choice. It was the way things were meant to be. He resumed his position on the fence beside his old friend, the new silence between them one of comfortable companionship. Neither Kid nor Jimmy ever thought they would feel it again.

Kid cleared his throat. "You still remember how to break in a horse?"

"I reckon so. Easy as fallin' off one, right?" Jimmy chuckled.

Kid slapped his back and started up to the house. "It's been a while, Hickok, so I'll try not to embarrass you."

"You? Embarrass me? That'll be the day, Kid. That'll be the day."

The two men grinned at each other and went inside to join the others.


End file.
